After nearly 30 years of marriage and over three decades of pastoral marriage counseling, I’ve identified the single most destructive force in marriages. This silent killer often goes undetected or is misdiagnosed as other issues, yet it’s at the root of almost every failing relationship.
What’s Really Destroying Your Marriage?
Many people point to symptoms like sexual immorality, lack of communication, or couples “drifting apart” as the primary causes of marital breakdown. While these are serious problems, they’re actually the fruit of a deeper issue.
The true killer of marriages is subtle, and when discovered, it’s fiercely defended. People will go to war over it, explain it away, and make endless excuses to avoid confronting it.
Selfishness: The Root of Marital Problems
The number one killer of marriages is selfishness. It’s present in 99.9% of troubled marriages, either from one spouse or both. Selfishness is simply preferring yourself or something else over your spouse.
When we examine the common marriage problems more closely:
- Sexual immorality often stems from selfishness when someone can’t contain themselves or feels entitled to seek pleasure elsewhere
- Communication breakdowns happen when we’re unwilling to give time to our spouse
- “Drifting apart” is the natural result of focusing on ourselves rather than our marriage
How Does Selfishness Manifest in Marriage?
Selfishness can invade every area of marriage. There’s not a single aspect of your relationship that’s immune to its destructive influence. At its core, selfishness is about wanting your own way, prioritizing your opinions, and making decisions based on what’s best for you rather than what’s best for the marriage or family.
People can be selfish with:
- Their time (demanding alone time or time for personal pursuits)
- Attention (needing constant affirmation)
- Decision-making (refusing to compromise)
- Resources (money, energy, affection)
The Warning Signs of Selfishness in Your Marriage
Ask yourself these questions:
- Is there somewhere you won’t budge?
- Is there some area where you must have your way?
If you can easily answer “yes” to either question, you’re likely being selfish, and that selfishness is probably damaging your relationship.
Selfishness doesn’t just kill marriages—it destroys most relationships. Best friends who’ve been close for decades can suddenly break up because one person becomes overly focused on themselves, and the other person eventually tires of it.
How Can We Overcome Selfishness in Marriage?
There are three powerful ways to combat selfishness and transform your marriage:
1. Develop a Servant Mentality
The fundamental question that should guide your marriage is: “How can I serve my spouse today?” When you wake up each morning, ask yourself how you can bless your husband or wife, where they need your help, and what you can do to make their life better.
As Christians, we’re called to lay down our lives and serve—even when it’s not reciprocated. Ruth Graham, Billy Graham’s wife, had a sign over her kitchen sink that read, “God’s work, God’s worship done here three times a day.” She viewed her service to her family not as drudgery but as an act of worship.
When you serve your spouse, you naturally stop thinking about yourself so much, which addresses the root issue of selfishness.
2. Embrace Sacrifice
In Philippians 2, Paul addresses unity by giving two important principles:
- Consider others better than yourself
- Take on the attitude of Christ, who humbled himself to serve
Sacrifice involves both preference (putting your spouse first) and attitude (approaching service with Christ’s humility). When these align, sacrifice becomes easier because it flows from love.
Marriage represents the highest form of unity—two becoming one. This unity is preserved when we give preference to our spouse and serve them with Christ’s attitude.
3. Focus on Faith Together
Ask yourself: How can you and your spouse help each other grow in your faith with Jesus Christ? When you prioritize spiritual growth together, God works in your hearts in amazing ways.
As John the Baptist said, “I must decrease so He can increase.” When we serve with a sacrificial attitude, we decrease and Christ increases—not only in our lives but in our marriages.
Life Application
This week, conduct a self-assessment of your marriage. Ask yourself:
- Is my marriage struggling because of my selfishness?
- In what specific areas am I giving more preference to myself than to my spouse?
- What is one concrete way I can serve my spouse today?
- What sacrifice can I make this week that would demonstrate love to my spouse?
- How can I help my spouse grow spiritually, regardless of whether they reciprocate?
Remember, whether your spouse responds in kind is irrelevant. As Christians, we’re called to serve and sacrifice. When we decrease our selfishness, Christ increases in our marriages, and transformation begins.
Chuck Musselwhite 
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